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Hi!

Is there an interesting story behind your username? I was in high school and thought "Author By Night" sounded so edgy. I realized about two or three years later that it was not, but it stuck, and even decades later, I haven't had the heart to change it. Although I do have a different username on tumblr.

Location and language(s): US (sigh, I know), and English.

Age range (e.g 20s, 30s, etc.): Early 40s.

Hot button/deal breaker issues that will likely lead to unfriending: Queerphobia, racism, sexism, the usual. Definitely no MAGA.

Do you have an "About Me" post new friends can read to get a sense of who you are, the people you talk about regularly, etc.? https://author-by-night.dreamwidth.org/260431.html

Is your profile up-to-date or at all useful? Not particularly.

List a few things you think it's important new friends know about you right away:

I take posts as conversation openers, so I do sometimes get chatty. That being said, I will always be mindful if I feel you're just venting or making a casual observation. But if you really use your DW as more of a diary and aren't looking for discussion, we might not click.

I'm also not really a "good vibes only" person; I don't think it's "negative" to have an opinion (as long as there's tact and care involved). That being said, I don't like bashing or nihilism, either. I call myself a cautious optimist.

You never or very rarely write about:

- I rarely do "daily life" posts. I talk about my personal life, but I don't really journal everything I did on a given day. I'll sometimes offer snippets I think are interesting or worth mentioning, though. I'm single and childless, I'm a bit of a homebody, there's not much "daily life" for me to say.

- Rarely talk about politics. I'm left-wing and deeply disturbed by the everything of everything, but I have other social media to panic/be depressed on.

Is your journal mostly public, locked, or a mix of public and locked?

Mostly locked.

Do you use filters for certain types of posts (e.g. fandom-related posts, or posts about sex, or mental health issues, etc.)?

No, but I do use cuts and trigger/content warnings. I'll also sometimes separate posts into two so that non-fandom people don't have to be bored by fandom posts.

Your posting frequency (e.g. daily, every few days, weekly, etc.): Varies. At least once a week, sometimes three or four times a week.

Does your journal frequently include any of the following: memes, linkspams, gifs, photos, videos, etc? I do sometimes answer "random questions" (things I find on reddit and quora), but they're not really memes. I don't post the other items listed very often.

What do you enjoy most about journaling? I'm very much someone who thinks out loud, and journaling is a perfect outlet for that.

How often do you read your friends list (e.g. daily, every other day, once a week, etc.)? Daily.

You really enjoy reading about: Fannishness, thoughts on books/TV/movies etc., thoughts on life.

You have very little interest in reading about: I'm less interested in therapy journals. Nothing against people who use their journals for therapy, that's just not for me.

Your thoughts on journals that regularly include any of the following: memes, linkspams, gifs, photos, videos, etc? They're fine, though if they're just links, photos and videos with no context, I don't always know how to comment.

When it comes to comments on your posts, what matters more -- quality or quantity? I don't want people to feel obligated to comment, but beyond that, you do you.

Do you unfriend people who don't comment much, even if you know they are reading you regularly? No.

What is your approach when it comes to commenting on other journals? As I said above, I tend to assume people want to hear my thoughts. I try not to give unsolicited advice or rain on other people's parade, I actually try staying pretty positive, but I've noticed some people take any comment beyond "sounds fun!" as negativity. Which I actually

When you friend someone, but things don't really click, do you unfriend them without warning, or do you send them a note first? How do you prefer to be unfriended in similar circumstances? I usually don't say anything, or expect people to. Honestly, in my experience, explaining why you unfriended someone only results in more hurt feelings. There are exceptions, but where exceptions are concerned, I still believe in tact.

AND LASTLY

Friending memes often ask people to list their favourite TV shows, movies, books, etc., but more often than not, those aren't things people actually write about in their journal. Do you have any favourite TV shows, movies, books, etc., that you DO often write about -- not necessarily in a fandom sort of way, just in general?

Not a lot of my friends share my media interests, or are really into "meta" for specific shows. That being said, I talk a lot about books, movies and TV shows in general, which includes mentions of media I like. I also talk about fandom often, but again, in a more general way.

Shows I'd love to talk about more often include Schitt's Creek, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Heartstopper, Buffy, Our Flag Means Death.

Any final thoughts you'd like to share with potential new friends?

(no subject)

DEAR ABBY: I am a mother of six and a grandma to four. We are a close family and enjoy each other's company. My mom is nearly 80. For reasons I could never understand, she didn't enjoy my children when they were growing up and didn't connect deeply with them. She once commented to me that she was bored with women her age because they were "obsessed" with their grandchildren and she wanted deeper conversations.

Mom moved away and would mostly visit just for holidays and birthdays. When the children tried to share things that were going on in their lives, she wasn't interested, and we eventually stopped inviting her to sports events and recitals because she seemed annoyed to be there.

Now that her grands have almost reached adulthood, my mother wants to connect with them. She texts them often and sometimes invites them to visit. They respond politely, and a couple have gone to visit her, but none seem interested in a deeper relationship. This bothers her, and she has been asking me to pressure them to visit her and include her in their lives more. But to them, she is a distant relative. They don't feel close to her.

What is my responsibility now? I wish they had a closer relationship with my mom, but I feel awkward telling busy young adults they must plan trips to visit someone who didn't try to establish relationships with them when they were young. Any advice? -- TORN DAUGHTER IN WASHINGTON

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(no subject)

DEAR ABBY: In the four years my husband and I have been married, his distaste for the LGBTQ community has grown into a passion. He calls it immoral and unnatural. I've never tried to change his opinion, but because I don't enthusiastically agree with him, he is convinced I'm going to hell. He uses nearly every conversation as an opportunity to share his feelings on this issue. Any response I volunteer goes unheard.

Shortly after our wedding, my father revealed he is gay. Thankfully, my husband can be kind to him while disapproving of his sexuality. I'm not sure Dad knows the extent of my husband's negative feelings. (They live in different states, so they rarely see each other.)

My problem is, my father recently became engaged to his partner, and I'm not sure how to tell my husband. I'm not asking him to agree with my dad's life, but I don't want him to steal my joy over this event or make me feel guilty for going to their wedding. I will certainly be going alone. Advice, Abby? -- ALLY IN MICHIGAN

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(no subject)

DEAR ABBY: I was sexually abused as a child. Because of this, as an adult woman, I have issues around being touched. I have had therapy, and I am doing much better, but I'm still uncomfortable with physical contact. I simply request that people ask me before they touch me, and I usually agree.

The issue is my mother-in-law. She refuses to ask before touching me and often pulls me into unwanted hugs or comes up behind me. I have explained to her about my history, so she knows why I want her to ask me first, but she brushes it off and says she isn't going to hurt me. One time she said, "What? Do you think I'm going to attack you?" No, I don't think she is going to attack me. This issue is about me, not her, but she doesn't understand that.

My husband throws up his hands and refuses to get involved, as he hates being put in the middle. How can I make her understand that I need her to ask before putting her hands on me? -- PROTECTIVE IN ILLINOIS

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The Friday Five for 20 June 2025

1. If you were a fruit, which would you be and why?

2. If you wake up and smell smoke, and you have to get everybody (pets included) out of the house safely, but you have time to grab one item, what would you grab?

3. If you were stuck on an island, who would be the one person you would want with you and why?

4. If you could change one thing about your physical appearance, what would it be?

5. If you could spend the day with one famous person, dead or alive, who would you choose?

Copy and paste to your own journal, then reply to this post with a link to your answers. If your journal is private or friends-only, you can post your full answers in the comments below.

If you'd like to suggest questions for a future Friday Five, then do so on DreamWidth or LiveJournal. Old sets that were used have been deleted, so we encourage you to suggest some more!

(no subject)

Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife, “Minerva,” and I have a 6-year-old son, “Blaine.”

When Blaine was just under 1, Minerva and I began to have issues getting along. I started an affair with “Wendy,” Minerva’s sister. Less than a year into the affair, Wendy ended up pregnant and had a son, “Cameron.” She told everyone she conceived through a sperm donor.

The affair lasted another two years, when we decided we both could not continue on with it.

The boys are close and love spending time together. The trouble is that as they have gotten older, they are resembling each other more and more—and they both look like me.

Luckily Blaine is blond like his mother, which makes it slightly less obvious, though not much. Lately Wendy and I have been taking steps to try and keep them apart, or at least have them see each other for playdates and outings without Minerva present.

However, we know we can’t keep this up. Wendy suggested that should could request a transfer to another state through work. We both agreed that would be the best thing, even if I don’t get to see my younger son grow up.

Would there ever be an appropriate time to confess the truth to my wife, or is this one of those things you take to your grave? Minerva and I have managed to repair our relationship in the last couple of years, and I don’t want to jeopardize that.

—No Such Thing as the Best of Both Worlds

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Toxic: It's not just a buzzword!

Dear Prudence,

I would never cut off my family, and I don’t think of them as “toxic” or any of those buzzwords, but we aren’t close. We talk on holidays and they attended my wedding celebration, but we don’t really know each other. My parents focused on my brother growing up, and I was just kind of also there. When I was 15, my brother had some more intense issues and my parents moved out of state to give him a fresh start. My best friend’s parents offered to take me in so I could finish high school in my hometown. It was the best thing anyone could have possibly done for me. They parented me in a way I’d never experienced and, although I was difficult, they were patient. I thrived with them. I went on to get an apprenticeship, build a small business, and marry a wonderful man. We co-own a duplex with my best friend and her spouse, and are close with his family and hers. We plan to raise kids together. I feel like my family is here, and complete. But then my beloved brother changed everything.

Completely unexpectedly to me, my brother sharply cut off our parents this winter. I have no idea why. They’re responding by pouring all that energy and money my way for the first time in my life. It’s very weird and uncomfortable, and I don’t know how to get them to stop. I’ve been dodging their calls and texts, but they’ve escalated to mailing gifts, and pushing for a visit. How do I politely shut them down and keep our normal level of contact?

—I Barely Know Them

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Current Mood: curious

Hello (I don't know what else to put here)

Name: SetNox1, or Kai if you prefer a 'proper' name.

Age: 20.

I mostly post about: Not sure yet but probably whatever's on my mind at the time. Daily life, insights, events, ideas, not in any specific order. Don't expect anything too shocking though. Inside thoughts should stay inside or in a paper journal at most.

My hobbies are: Dungeons & Dragons, drawing, maybe writing if you're generous with vague periphery interests that stuck around for months. I'm trying to get into sewing and other clothing DIY shenanigans.

My fandoms are: None. Maybe Percy Jackson if you count lurking in the art/headcanons corner of Tumblr as participating in a fandom.

I'm looking to meet people who: Share snippets of their mind and life and enjoy exchanging music recommendations. Seriously, send me songs, I love exploring new artists, especially the smaller/independent ones.

My posting schedule tends to be: Probably sporadic. Knowing myself, I'll try to keep a regular schedule, then forget about the schedule, then have a big buildup of stuff to say but can't find the words for them, and when things finally click int place I'll share a crap ton. I love my executive functionality (cue lightheartedly sarcastic sigh).

When I add people, my dealbreakers are: Focus on sexual stuff and gore. I don't mind them in small doses but god forbid it becomes the main point of conversation. Also, ny form of queerphobia! Pardon my English but you're not 'phobic' or 'scared' of anything, you're just a douche, or raised by one at best.

Before adding me, you should know: I overanalyse quite a lot behind the scenes, possibly because of something neurodivergent that I've not yet discovered. For the same reason I might come across as plain or sarcastic eve when I don't intend to. Whoops. I'm also a very queer soul. Go enjoy your life without me if you're looking for a neurotypical, cishet-normative experience.

Entry tags:

etiquette,
hosting

Social Q’s: No Need to Feel Flattened by a Fifth Wheel

Third question in this week’s NY Times’ Social Q’s, posted because I’m flabbergasted by the guests’ question.
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Entry tags:

wayrw

What media are you consuming Wednesday! (For the last 3 wednesdays)

Finished reading:

Ginseng Roots: A Memoir by Craig Thompson - An absolute return to form! I really enjoyed this and I learned a lot about the Wisconsin ginseng industry. Which is wild, I grew up here and had no clue.

Currently reading:

Moby Dick by Herman Melville - No progress in the last two weeks. I'm behind two chapters. What sucks is that the website I like to read it on sucks on mobile, so if I don't find the time to sit at my computer, I forget to get back on the whale.

Faithful Unto Death: Pet cemeteries, animal graves, and eternal devotion by Paul Koudounaris (Author) - I love hexencult on instagram although the stories he tells is sometimes absolutely heartbreaking. Sometimes the book feels like it goes from ig post to ig post, but it has great flow and great photography. And I'm learning a lot about the history of pet cemeteries.

Listening:

Some more Black metal: https://moraynoise.bandcamp.com/album/the-natural-world

Classical guitar with a modern twist. iirc pitchfork just called Hayden's new album perfect? https://haydenpedigo.bandcamp.com/album/ill-be-waving-as-you-drive-away

More black metal, this time more atmospheric. https://obsidiantongue.bandcamp.com/album/eclipsing-worlds-of-scorn

I've been listening to Elen's records, mostly Deafheaven, Wolves in the Throne Room, Earth, GY!BE, etc

The skatune network person has a new album coming out! Ska!! https://jerska.bandcamp.com/album/death-of-the-heart

Watching:

Sports! Boo Panthers!! NBA Finals game 6 tomorrow
AEW has been good!
The Mortician has been a pretty interesting docuseries, even though Ask A Mortician has legit concerns. And I agree with her. But I am entertained.
A doc on hulu about the sleepwalker murder

Playing:

deltarune! Once hockey and basketball are over, Ill pour into this more for sure.

Entry tags:

Dear Prudence: My Ex Is Warning All My Dates About Me

[having trouble with html today]
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(no subject)

DEAR HARRIETTE: Over Memorial Day weekend, I hosted a small get-together at my home with my extended family. My cousin brought her 1-year-old son, who's just starting to walk and explore the world around him. He's a sweet little boy and was especially fascinated by my dog. The problem is that my dog has never been great around small children. He's anxious by nature and tends to get overstimulated easily. I usually keep him away from kids for that reason, but in the chaos of the day, I let my guard down.

At one point, before anyone could intervene, the baby startled my dog, and my dog reacted by biting him. It wasn't just a nip, either. It was a hard bite, and it left a mark. Thankfully, the injury wasn't severe, but it was enough to cause a lot of distress, especially for my cousin and her husband. My cousin was understandably upset, and while she tried to be civil about it, I could tell she was angry and hurt.

I feel so much guilt about the bite, but I'm also worried about what this means for our relationship moving forward and for my dog. I don't know how to make things right. Should I have done more to prevent the situation? How do I approach my cousin now and express how sorry I am without making things worse? -- Dog Bite

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One column, two letters

Link to Dear Annie

Dear Annie: My husband and I have two kids under 5, and we both work full-time. As you can imagine, our lives are pretty hectic. My mother-in-law lives about 30 minutes away and expects us to visit her almost every weekend. If we don't, she lays on the guilt pretty thick -- talking about how she "never sees the kids" or implying we don't value family.

The truth is, we're just exhausted. Weekends are the only time we get to catch up on rest, housework or just quality time together as a family without having to entertain. We've tried inviting her to our house instead, but she always declines and insists we come to her.

I know she means well, and we want her to have a relationship with the kids, but I'm starting to dread the constant pressure. How can we set firmer boundaries without starting a bigger family conflict? -- Tired But Trying

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****************

2. Dear Annie: Out of the blue, my daughter told me she bought a house in Connecticut and will be moving there from New Jersey. She insists the two-hour drive isn't far, but I feel hurt and blindsided that she didn't let me know about this until she'd already bought the house and was getting ready to sell her New Jersey home.

Her mother-in-law helped her financially with the move, which is great, but now she'll live just 30 minutes from her in-laws while I'm two hours away. I feel betrayed having been kept in the dark. I'm also 65, live on my own and have a very, very sick dog. I don't know how long the dog will live, but for now, traveling two hours one way just isn't an option.

I'm very hurt by what she did and I'm trying to get past it. She used to live just 30 minutes from me, and now she'll be just as close to her mother-in-law, who helped her buy the house. I've actually had to go on antidepressants because of this. Thankfully, my son and his fiancee live a mile away, so that's a blessing. But I feel like the mother-in-law pulled a fast one as she has her daughter, her daughter's family and now her son and his family so close to her.

Please give me some advice to help me get through this. -- Left Out in New Jersey

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Current Mood: amused

Entry tags:

Ask a Manager: The Great Muffin Caper

1. Someone stole my muffin from the office freezer

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(no subject)

Dear Annie: I've been married to my husband, "David," for nine years. We have two kids, ages 7 and 4. Lately, I've been struggling with how much time he spends on his phone. Every night after dinner, instead of helping with bedtime or talking with me, David disappears into the garage or sits on the couch playing online poker. I've brought it up more than once, but he just says he needs to "unwind."

Last week, our daughter even said, "Daddy, get off your phone!" That broke my heart. I work full-time as a nurse and manage most of the household chores and parenting. I don't mind him relaxing, but I want him to be present for our family -- not just physically, but mentally, too.

How do I approach this without it turning into another argument? -- Feeling Like a Single Parent in Knoxville

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(no subject)

DEAR ABBY: I found out that, behind my back, my best friend has been (secretly) growing hair for the past year. He knows I have been balding for many years. Although I have accepted my follicular fate, he knows I constantly search for self-improvement in my life.

What bothers me is that he didn't share the information until I mentioned I was thinking about trying Rogaine. THAT is when he told me he has been using a similar product for the past year and it seems to be working. He even took off his baseball cap (which he has been curiously wearing for a year), to show me the modest results. I doubt he would have shared this if I hadn't raised the subject.

I feel deeply shafted by his secrecy, and I don't see it as such a private matter that it had to be concealed. I do understand that he may have felt embarrassed to admit it bothered him and that he was taking steps to address the issue.

What is the rule of etiquette under the circumstances? Should a person share self-improvement methods that are modestly successful with a close friend who would clearly benefit from the information (assuming it is not so personal or private that it cannot be shared)? -- SHAFTED IN PENNSYLVANIA

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Entry tags:

mother of the groom's best friend doesn't want to take off work and travel to wedding

Dear Eric: My best friend of more than 35 years is waffling over attending my son's wedding. Her excuses for not coming are an as-yet-unplanned hiking trip in Europe (it would be her fourth in less than two years), and work, which she can easily get out of. This is my only child that will ever get married, and the wedding is in her former hometown where she still has family and friends. It's one easy flight. This friend stays with us three to four times a year for several weeks when she has work in town. My husband and I were allowed to invite four couples. Even my siblings aren't invited!

I'm incredibly hurt that she's even considering not coming. To me this has already caused a shift in my feelings toward her. I haven't spoken to her about it yet but intend to. Are my feelings unreasonable?

– Mother of the Groom Gloom

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I know what I think, but I honestly don't know what anybody else will think

DEAR ABBY: My 40-year-old daughter is on weight-loss injections and a no-sugar diet. I offered to bake her a sugar-free cheesecake, and she agreed, but she asked me to make a "tester" cake three days before. I explained that the cake has a lengthy preparation process, involving a very slow bake in a water bath and 12 hours chill time. I suggested she wait, but she insisted, so I made it early. She cut a slice of it and exclaimed how great it tasted.

Three days later, I baked and decorated a carrot cake to use as her "official" birthday cake, since the sugar-free cake had been cut and wouldn't look nice in photos. (Carrot is her children's favorite.) I hosted everyone at an expensive restaurant, gave her French perfume and a weekend getaway.

When we returned from the dinner, my daughter angrily said, "Get in here so we can cut this stupid cake, which I can't eat!" I was shocked and confused. She said I shouldn't have made a cake of a flavor she dislikes, but I pointed out that she had the sugar-free cake, too. Apparently, she had expected me to bake a second sugar-free cheesecake. I chewed her out for being ungrateful. Was I wrong? -- UNAPPRECIATED IN CALIFORNIA

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(no subject)

Dear Annie: I'm 63 years old, and I live alone in a quiet little house with my dog, Rosie. I like to sit on the porch in the evenings and watch the sun go down, but lately the silence feels heavier than it used to.

My daughter, who is in her 30s, moved to Texas with her husband about a year ago -- and since then, she hasn't spoken to me. Not a text, not a call, not even a holiday card. I send messages, reach out on birthdays, even mailed her a little photo of Rosie wearing a birthday hat.

I know there's something from her childhood that she's struggling with. Something painful that she believes I didn't protect her from. And the truth is, maybe I didn't. Her father died 26 years ago, and we were both trying to survive the grief in our own ways. I was overwhelmed and didn't always see what was right in front of me. I've tried to say I'm sorry, in words and gestures, but she's built a wall I haven't been able to get through.

Some days, I want to get in the car and drive the 800 miles just to knock on her door and see her face. Other days, I wonder if I should just give up and let her have the distance she clearly wants.

How does a mother keep loving her child from afar when the door has been shut so firmly? Is there anything I can do to open it again -- or do I have to learn to live with the silence? -- Grieving But Still Reaching Out

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(no subject)

Name: Holly

Age: Mid-30s

I mostly post about: Shower-thought essays and musings, fandom, fan theories, world-building, reactions to media, drabble snippets, OC and character development, creative process, occasional IRL that's in a digestible form for the internet.

My hobbies are: Writing, art, paragraph roleplay, video games, reading, book annotation, note-taking theory, journaling, hand-sewing, crochet, knitting, playlist-building, theory-crafting, wiki-building and information management.

My fandoms are: Anything cat-related, The Elder Scrolls, Baldur's Gate 3, Dragon Age: Origins, The Legend of Zelda (Ocarina of Time → Twilight Princess), Silent Hill (1-4), The Evil Within/サイコブレイク, The Apothecary Diaries, Higurashi When They Cry, Hayao Miyazaki, anything horror by Mike Flanagan, anything by Guillermo del Toro, Asian horror, found-footage films, high-end animation.

I'm looking to meet people who: are preferrably 25+ in age, neurodivergent, share my fandoms, are open-minded and fun to talk with.

My posting schedule tends to be: Sporadic, due to fluctuating spoons and hyperfocus binges.

When I add people, my dealbreakers are: Anyone under 18, anyone supportive of America's current administration/MAGA/right-wing idealists, excessive political posts, crypto/AI/Tesla/entrepeneurial bros, religious evangelism or witnessing, animal cruelty, bigotry, racism, homophobes, transphobes, lore-policing, drama-llamas, unsolicited mental-health bombs (I'm your friend, not your therapist), overt neediness/attention-seeking, inebriated/intoxicated messaging, atrocious grammar and spelling (my native language is English), toxic behaviors in general.

Before adding me, you should know: I'm west-coast American (and yes, I would rather be anywhere else right now, but can't be), I'm AuDHD (progressively demasking after years of working corporate and burning out) and queer (AFAB genderfluid, pansexual; she/they pronouns). I'm 15-years-happily-married and monogamous. I'm very direct, because I would rather be honest than polite. I grew up in a household where expletives were every other word, so I hope you don't mind if I curse at times. My creative works are intended for mature audiences and are not intended for people who are easily triggered (I do try to tag accordingly, though, I'm not a monster 😅).